LaVar Ball really said Lonzo will leave the Lakers if they don’t sign his brothers. Alrighty, then!

Photo by Allen Berezovsky/Getty Images

Hello, Ball family content consumer. First of all, you’re a wonderful person, and please keep consuming all the Ball content that your heart desires. I mean that!

Second, we should remember why we value the Balls, and that the reasons are similar to why we value our favorite fictional television show. They’re entertaining folks, and while the writers may never reach the highs of season one, you’ve got to be impressed with the twists and turns they’ve brought us in the past few episodes.

Here is a LaVar Ball quote, via Lithuanian basketball journalist Donatas Urbonas.

I want all my three boys to play for the Lakers. But if that does not happen, I’m telling you the story what’s gonna happen first. If they don’t take Gelo this year, I bring back Gelo here (Prienai in Lithuania) to play with Melo for two years. Lonzo will be on his third year and I want to let every NBA team know, that Lonzo is not going to re-sign with the Lakers but will go to any team that will take all of my three boys. That’s my plan.

Lonzo plays best when he is with his brother. Why wouldn’t (he)? He is a hell of a shooter. They don’t play the same position. You see how successful he was when he was with his brother? Why wouldn’t you be smart and say: so, you want your brother? Come on, let’s complete the Royal Flush and get the other brother.

We don’t have to go to any draft. Just sign him in free agency. You don’t have to give Gelo 15 million. Give my million for three years, we’ll take it. Cause they make so much money off the court, they (have) loose spare change.

So now you win championship after championship on fact that my boys will never leave. That’s what I mean, championship, championship, championship. You got to keep the team together for a long time, but you can’t because more money is offered, that’s why guys (are) jumping between the teams.

But what’s better than three Ball boys together? The Big Three. The original Big Three.

Let’s rank these plot lines in order of most surprising.

3. Lakers will win multiple rings with the Big (Baller) Three

Wait, not just multiple rings, but “championship after championship.” And his boys don’t care about money, so they’ll stick together on the same team without any of them getting greedy in free agency.

Come on. A championship arc is just lazy plot writing. Of course the Balls are going to win championships, but where’s the adversity?

2. Lonzo Ball will break restricted free agency

Another surprise foreshadow! Ball will be employed with the Los Angeles Lakers through 2021, assuming they pick up both team options in the final two years. That just makes sense, since Ball is one of the greatest basketball-playing Balls we’ve ever seen.

However, in 2021, Ball will be a restricted free agent. Normally, that means that he can sign with any team, but the Lakers can match any offer he receives and he’ll return to Los Angeles. However, LaVar Ball indicated that Ball might go somewhere else if the Lakers haven’t signed both of his brothers, too, even though that’s totally impossible under current NBA rules unless the Lakers allow it.

Wow, so LaVar Ball’s going to successfully break restricted free agency, too.

1. Redefining what a Royal Flush is

Poker has been played in the United States since the early 1800s, but LaVar Ball is about to change everything about the game. He described a team signing LiAngelo Ball similar to “completing a Royal Flush,” even though a Royal Flush is made up of five cards. Ball only has three sons. That analogy never would have worked ... but LaVar doesn’t need a better analogy. No, he needs to fundamentally change what the analogy is based on.

Clearly, this is foreshadowing about how LaVar becomes a high stakes poker player on national television over the next three years, and becomes so successful that a Royal Flush now refers to three large basketball playing sons, not five cards.

I mean, duh. I bet those cards can’t even hit a corner three.

It’s better this way

Just treat the Ball saga as a guilty pleasure television drama, and this makes everything so much better. Can’t wait until you tune in next week!